Running programs in prison requires constant flexibility, adaptability and creativity.  Well, the past weeks have required an unprecedented measure of these!  

Everything into which Brilliance Inside pours its passion and commitment came to a screeching halt on March 17th, as CDCR (rightfully) closed all prisons.

Since then, we've been pivoting!

Within days of my return from Thailand, the prison reached out to a few organizations asking for resources to support the prison residents who suddenly find themselves with nothing.  No education, no programs, no self-help, no religious services, no visits, no yard, no packages.  Most things that bring meaning and direction into their lives has been stripped.

So, we're scrabbling to create completely new resources that can support the prison residents especially under these unique circumstances.  You'll find details below.

While our work with the prison residents will look different in the coming months, we are up for the challenge.  Thanks to our constant desire to heal our society's cycle of violence by expanding the brilliance in our prisons and world, nothing will hinder our commitment to these "leading experts on confinement."  We'll shift, adapt and experiment towards the innovative solutions that serve the residents, the system and our society at large.

As you also pivot and adapt in your own lives, we send you and your family much health and wellbeing.

Welcome to the third step on this journey that changed my way of seeing and living our relationships and interpersonal dynamics.

After Steps 1 and Step 2, I brought the awareness and experimentation back to myself.

As we said, I now knew that: When I lash out - my most common way of hurting others - I am hurting inside.

In this next step, I realized that what I needed most in that moment of hurting was a hug. And for me - maybe not for you - that meant a literal, physical hug.

Because, when I hurt, there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel seen, heard or acknowledged. Being hugged is the fastest way of healing that part of me that is saying that I am not valuable and don’t deserve to be seen and respected.

When I am able to give myself permission - in the moment of hurting - I give myself a real, physical hug. Feeling valued, that part of me that is hurting releases. And then, I am able to undo the behavior of hurting another. Actually, more and more often, I step into rectifying and even healing the situation.

After having proven the first lesson of “hurt people hurt people” in steps 1 and 2, this new learning “proved” (in Mariette’s self-experimentation) the validity of its corollary:

Healed people heal people.

If I want to provide rectification and healing to a situation, I first need to heal that part of me that is hurting inside.

This all takes a lot of courage. And I know you have this courage. Because if I have it, and the prison residents have it, and others around me have it, then you have it too. So embrace the courage to recognize what you need when you hurt. And then provide it to yourself!

What does it take for you to love that part of you?

Another vulnerable step after you’ve learned how to provide what you need to yourself: I told my partner that I most needed a hug when I was hurting inside. So - check this out! - when I hurt him (Yes, when I hurt him), he has the courage to come over and hug me, knowing it’s the fastest end to my hurt. As soon as he wraps his arms around me, I feel that piece of me that was raging just rest.

So this is the next step on this journey.

Invitation: When you recognize that a part of you is hurting, acknowledge that it’s only aching to be recognized, seen and heard and cared for… dare I say loved. So, provide the needed love to this part of you. And feel the whole of you release and rest.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

I told you yesterday that, after hearing the phrase “Hurt people hurt people” during a Criminals & Gangmembers Anonymous program, I wanted to test the extend of its validity. So I started experimenting on myself. And I discovered that, when I was hurting others (usually by lashing out), I was deeply hurting inside of me.

Then came this thought: If this is true for me, maybe it’s true for other people too.

So I started looking at the times that I felt hurt by others…which also happened quite regularly.

In those times, I of course felt hurt, anger and even rage raise inside me. As much as I could, I would take a step to the side from my reactions, to turn my attention to what may be happening within the other person who had hurt me. (I’ll tell you: not an easy step to take!)

It turns out: the person that had hurt me was also deeply hurting. And I even hypothesized that the hurt they were feeling was even greater than the hurt they were creating in me.

Now, if this was true in my family life, my work life, with my friends, it might be true beyond this, with folks who have hurt people in terrible ways. Yes, I went there. I spoke with the prison residents. Same goes for them! When they committed violent acts, they were deeply hurting inside too!

Now, let’s clear, this does NOT justify ANY hurtful behavior - from “simple” lashing out, all the way to murder or rape! None of these actions are excused by this statement!

But, for me, it started explaining our hurtful actions. And from here, I started to learn how I wished to respond to these situations.

Again, I’ll pause here to give you the time and the space to engage with this idea:

If it’s true that - when I’m hurting people, I feel hurt - then how true is it that, when I am being hurt by others, they are hurting?

I’ll tell you from experience that it is usually tough to step away from the hurt, anger and frustration you may be feeling in the moment. That’s OK. Simply take time later to step back into the situation and see what was going on with other person. What can you see in them that might have been hurting in them? (More guidance and hints in the video.)

Invitation: Spend the day - or however long you need - to recognize, when a person hurts you, what may be going on with them as they are hurting you. This takes a lot of self-love and empathy, so be kind to yourself as you venture into this territory.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Well, here’s a journey on which I was not expecting to embark in this season of confinement. And yet, it makes sense. It is fundamental to our interpersonal relationships, which are being tested in these confined times. So, off we go!

Today, I share with you the greatest lesson I learned in prison. It blew my mind when I first heard it. It blew my mind for its simplicity as well as my immediate realization of the extent of its truth:

Hurt people hurt people.

That is, when people hurt others, they themselves are also hurting inside.

Curious to understand its applicability to me, I started experimenting. I first paid attention to when I was hurting others and I quickly realized that my greatest form of hurt to others is to lash out.

I then turned my attention inwardly to uncover what I was feeling in those moments of hurting others. And I’ll tell you, I was hurting inside. Sometimes, I was really hurting inside.

There’s so much more to say here but, for now, I’ll give you space to experiment with this first idea.

Invitation: Spend the day - or however long you need - to identify the ways you hurt others. And then, when you catch yourself hurting others (or as quickly afterwards as you can), pay attention to how you’re feeling inside.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Today’s lesson is given to you by Chrys who was released from prison three years and three days ago! He was a member of our very first Core Team, the group of prison residents who organized the first TEDxDonovanCorrectional event. While in prison, he was a mentor and guide to his fellow team members and the other residents on the yard. Now, he’s being the best dad to his kids, giving them the love and life they deserve.

Here’s a bit of his mentorship for you, because he’s gone “from doing time in the ‘big house’ to doing time in [his] own big house”:

• “You might feel alone. but we all are there together. Someone is there with you and for you.”

• “I know what it feels to run out of toilet paper, ask for toilet paper and no one gives it to you. I know the feeling.”

• “Things are going to happen but we cannot control everything.”

• “This is not the time to be frustrated and be upset. It’s time to reflect. On your life, on the things you need to do. How can I be helpful? How can I make a change? What can I do? There’s plenty you can do.”

• "Don't let this [current situation] tear your life apart, on the inside, because that's what matter the most." "We're going to come out of this, but you need to come out of it in [your mind] and in [your heart."

(Plus, discover what he's doing for others during this time.)

Invitation: When you feel that you cannot change a situation or circumstances, recognize that you can change your perspective, by “coming out of it” in your mind and in your heart, like Chrys suggests. Shift one thought about your current situation and let the rest unfold.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

• When things are tough, what do you turn to?

• When things are good, what do you turn to?

• When you need a break from your current life, what do you turn to?

What you turn to is your default. And it matters because our default often governs much of our overall wellbeing.

For prison residents, defaults are often alcohol, drugs and violence.

• When things are tough, they drink away problems

• When things are good, they celebrate with drinks

• When they need a break from life, they grab a drink

Negative defaults can also be need for control, food, work…

• When things are tough —> “I have to work harder to get out of this slump”

• When things are good —> “I have to work harder to ride this great wave we’re on”

• When they need a break from life —> “I have to reply to clients’ emails”

We have countless stories of prison residents recognizing their defaults and moving to more constructive defaults. Arguably, anyone we have the pleasure of engaging is in the process of shifting his or her default. One resident has a lifestyle of alcohol, drugs, women and partying as well as the criminal behaviors which supported this lifestyle. His default was his self and his hedonic needs.

One day, he realized this default was no longer serving him and he shifted it (almost overnight, might I add) towards service to others. Every time he felt the urge to fall back to his old default, he would catch himself and redirect this to his new behavior until it became his default.

• When things are tough, he has compassion for others

• When things are good, he celebrates by sharing the goodness with others

• When he needs a break from life, he takes the focus away from himself by turning it to others.

Many prison residents credit the mentorship of this man for transforming and even saving their lives. This change was possible because he shifted his default.

Yes, when our defaults become more positive, the rest of our lives follows suit and becomes more positive as well.

Invitation: Recognize your default. Ask yourself how well it serves you. If another default would serve you better, what is one step you can take today towards this new default?

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Imagine living 24 hours a day with another human being in a 6'x8' space. This space may be smaller than your bathroom…

This is the reality of prison residents during lockdown, which can last a few days to several months. They say that a great contributor to their wellbeing during these times is ensuring that every day they have some dedicated personal space and time, uninterrupted and totally their own and truly alone. Even when their cellie is only 2 feet away.

Some may meditate, draw or paint, read, study, write letters to their families. What they do doesn’t matter. What does matter is that this space and time be honored and respected.

Invitation: Balance out all of the “together time” by creating alone time with individual personal space for each family member. Unstructured time that can be used any way needed by the person. Each of you will be a lot saner for it.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.