We don't need fixing!
Last Tuesday, prison resident Adam brought to our Donovan circle difficulties he’s having with his teenage son who hates school and ditches regularly. There have been parent-teacher conferences (attended by Adam’s mom) and interventions and school contracts signed by Adam’s son…
On Sunday, a friend Bruce shared that, on Easter Sunday a couple decades ago, he walked his grandmother out of the hospital, hours after her husband of 57 years drew his last breath. In the parking lot, his grandmother said, “I have no reason left to live.”
How do we respond in these situations?
Adam has tried to motivate his son with “Look where ditching school got me,” “You gave your word to improve your attendance when you signed the contract,” “You love interior design; do you see how math is needed for interior design?”
Bruce could have said “It’s going to be OK,” “You still have your kids and us, your grandkids,” “It’s resurrection day; let’s celebrate that.”
And yet, when we take a step back and place ourselves in the shoes of Adam’s son or Bruce’s grandmother: What do we most need to hear when we’re down, hurt, frustrated, angry, etc.?
It’s not to be told that we’re wrong, that we don’t understand, that we didn’t do the right thing, that we’re a failure. We already tell ourselves these things! It’s also not to be told how to fix the situation, which only disempowers us.
If you’re like our Donovan team, you need to hear that:
You are loved
You are cared for
You are supported
(And let’s also acknowledge that, sometimes, we most need to not hear anything; we need to receive a hug, to feel a tight squeeze, to know that we were heard. Which, yes, say the above three things with action.)
If that’s what you most need, it’s likely similar to what Adam’s son, Bruce’s grandmother and your spouse/child/colleague needs too. So, instead of criticizing, blaming, shaming or fixing, try responding with an “I love you. I care. You are supported.” See what that opens up.
We don’t need fixing! We need a reminder that we’re loved, cared for and supported.
This reconnects us to our inherent, inner brilliance. And that reopens the access point to our highest wisdom, truth, determination, creativity and energy. From there, we find the answers to our own challenges. While still low, Adam’s attendance is improving. Bruce’s grandmother lived another two decades to over 100 years old.
You have a choice: Next time, resist the urge to fix. Put all of the criticism that’s wanting to burst out on the backburner. Start with a literal or figurative hug and by telling the person that they are loved, cared for and supported. You’ll see: that will open them up, instead of shutting them down.
PS: As you practice saying this – “You are loved, cared for and deeply supported” – you’ll likely realize, like we did, that it helps the teller, as well as the receiver. During covid, we were shut out of Donovan for almost 24 months. Our slow, monthly correspondence with our team members inside Donovan felt puny and powerless compared to their incredibly challenging circumstances and constant changes. And yet, reminding them that, despite their circumstances, they remained deeply loved, cared for and supported, was the most potent antidote. We were infusing each letter with hugs and support. This filled us up. (Yes, we later heard – as recently as a couple weeks ago – how much it also carried them through that dark season.)
... Ha! Today's home project was to reorganize the closet and move the Covid Letters, which I just happen to mention above, to the garage. In the process, I found this! Read the "PPS added on Jan 4th" ;-)
