Scared safe
We have all experienced it. The uneasy feeling that creeps up when we don’t feel fully safe. Maybe it’s due to an abrasive comment from someone, or anger from a spouse, or being a dark alley, or finding our way in a new country.
Our senses are heightened, our bodies tenser, ready to pounce or defend ourselves at any possible danger. These sensations signal us to steer clear. But do they always signal danger?
How about those moments when the fear experienced is a fear of what is best for us, a fear of what we want most, a fear and resistance to our greatest desires, a fear of our highest potential?
This month, we learn again from Mitch and Jordi, in two separate moments that highlight this possibility.
One day, Mitch shared that, every time he arrives in our circle, he feels his chest constrict. That was a surprise. People associate our space with ease, openness, nonjudgment, freedom, peace, joy… And chest constriction is a sign of misalignment, of an activated defense mechanism, that Mitch feels unsafe in some way and his fight or flight response is triggered.
We gently got curious: “What’s causing the constriction?” (Fully expecting some negative reason)
After a minute or so of contemplation, Mitch said “This circle is so safe, and I’ve never experienced a safe space before this one.”
He continued “Though I want this safety, it’s not normal for me and I don’t know how to act.”
How ironic. It was the safety of our space that was triggering Mitch.
A couple weeks ago, Jordi was transferred from the higher-security yard to the lower one. Moving to a lower-security yard is a big deal. First, it recognizes the positive change in the resident’s lifestyle. Second, freedom increases significantly with each step down in security.
Five days after his transfer, I saw Jordi on the new yard. This usually self-assured, driven, competent, adaptable man looked lost and confused. He expressed fear to even come out of his cell.
“I’m freaked out by the level of freedom here,” Jordi told us.
In prison, freedom is the holy grail. And now, Jordi had significantly greater liberties, and he was balking!
He told us stories of waiting – for entire minutes, mind you – at various doors, expecting staff to unlock them, not even realizing that the doors were unlocked. Having come from a yard where there is no freedom of movement without correctional staff, he was disoriented by his ability to move freely all day without needing permission.
Similarly to Mitch, Jordi freaked out as he achieved the next milestone of his greatest desire.
Both of these stories provide gentle reminders that
Anything new is, by definition, unknown
Our inner mechanisms treat the unknown as unsafe
What’s unsafe can quickly be interpreted as scary
We tend to shy away from and avoid what we’ve interpreted as scary
And yet, sometimes, the unknown is actually an invitation to lean in. It leads us into what we most crave, what we’ve been dreaming of for years, what lifts us up into our highest potential.
Where have you avoided your highest potential – your brilliance – because you’ve been held back by the fear of this unknown?
You have a choice: Take a moment to recognize and discern the times your fear protects you from harm and the times it’s actually keeping you small, away from your greatest heart’s desires. Choose to step into the unknown in the face of this fear; that is the definition of courage.