Inner peace in an uncertain outer world
When turned upside down by a recent life-changing event, Leslie Willis found comfort in the unknown through lessons she learned in prison. Here’s her story:
It was 11am on Monday morning as I walked into my boss’ office for our meeting to discuss bringing on another part-time program manager. You can thus imagine my surprise when she instead told me that, due to our financial situation, we’d actually be cutting back. “Thursday is your last day,” she said.
It felt like my world was being upended. I had finally found a long-sought-after job in my field that I was passionate about, and I was getting laid off. I thought this was where I was supposed to be; now, I wasn’t so sure of anything.
Two days passed, and my processing of the news continued. Would I really not be returning to the office after tomorrow? The thoughts of “why me?” and “why now?” passed through my mind. I decided to go for a walk. I needed to get outside, to clear my mind. Turning east down a different path, a block away, I stood in front of a wall mural. It read: “You are exactly where you need to be.”
I am exactly where I need to be. Even if I don’t know exactly where that is right now.
The thought was frightening. Looking up into the sky, I took a deep breath as a single tear trickled down my cheek, and acknowledged my emotions. “I see you there, I hear your concerns, I know you’re real, and that’s okay.” I’m okay. All of this will be okay. It may be scary, but what do I do when life hits me with a ton of bricks? I start paving a new path.
Suddenly, I felt an unexpected calmness pass through me. This will be okay. I will be okay. I believed it, but why this sudden feeling of comfort? I asked myself when, and where, I learned to have such compassion for myself and my situations. When did I become capable of such deep levels of introspection? Then it dawned on me. Prison.
It was in the moments of deep listening to individuals, many faced with life behind bars, sharing stories of hope, of redemption, of discovering self-worth and a sense of purpose. It was in the moments of seeing grown men of different races offer words of encouragement, comforting embraces, and honest friendship to each other in a place where prison politics forbid such relationships. It was in the moments of shared reflection on the impact that our time together has on each individual’s mentality and belief in oneself and what is possible.
Over the past year and a half of entering RJ Donovan Correctional Facility with Brilliance Inside, I’ve come to realize that despite their situation, being deemed society’s unwanted and being called monsters, these individuals are free. The amount of inner work they’ve had to do as part of their transformation is astounding, well beyond the average person I’ve encountered outside those prison walls. Subconsciously, I realized that I also desired this depth of internal peace of mind despite my external situations. I had been told that there are things outside of our control that we can’t do anything about, but we can control how we respond to them. It was in prison that I began to fully understand the power and truth behind this message.
Just as the prison residents are responding to their situation with self-compassion, hope for a better future, and a renewed commitment to their own self-growth, so am I approaching this new chapter of my life with an open mind and heart. In this moment, I give thanks and gratitude for my ability to hold myself in a space of compassion and understanding, to allow myself to feel human and acknowledge the whirlwind of emotions that come with my humanity, and especially for the individuals who unknowingly guided me on this path to heightened introspection. While I may not know what the future holds, I am now comfortable with not knowing and will embrace my journey of self-discovery.