Soon closing out her gap year, Yahna chose to give her time to the folks inside Donovan and has been behind the scenes, creating the structure for the next iteration of programs that we are launching inside those walls. Thank you Yahna for all that you do, from Colorado and during your visits to Donovan!

Below is a reflection written after Yahna’s second time coming to California to visit Donovan:

My name is Yahna Layton, and I have been a Brilliance Inside volunteer for about 6 months. Despite living out of state, I have been privileged to join Mariette inside Donovan prison twice and learn more about the brilliance that undoubtedly connects those of us outside with those still inside. 

Last Tuesday, the Alpha yard circle worked towards expanding the team with new members. Its main goal was to read applications and select the applicants to interview. One team member, Joe, expressed uncertainty on his ability to determine when someone is truly prepared to ignite and express their brilliance.

It turns out a past experience still weighed heavily on him. Joe had previously encouraged a friend to apply into our circle. This friend quickly showed signs of resistance to the work or to aligning with the circle’s agreements. We collectively made the tough decision that this was not the right time for this friend to be in our circle. Shortly thereafter, this friend overdosed and nearly lost his life.

As he had taken upon himself to support this person, Joe felt responsible for the choices made by his friend. The more I thought about this, the more I wondered if Joe’s uncertainty was really about others' preparedness to be in brilliance or if instead it veiled his guilt around past porous boundaries.

In any healthy relationship, our primary responsibility is to express our needs and desires openly and honestly. In his communication with his friend, Joe controlled what and how he shared, but he was not responsible for his friend's reactions or their outcomes.

I recognize this in my own life too. In many friendships, I staked out my own boundaries and then felt guilty when the person became defensive. I wanted to create a space of love for myself and the other person, which at times required distance; however, all that they saw was a shut door on the relationship. I continue to learn that letting the anticipation of guilt override the needed honesty is ultimately a disservice to both of us.

Although the outcome of another person’s choices is not a fault of our own, it can feel as if the space we created led them to make these decisions. As Joe had invited his friend to join the circle, he believed he had set his friend up for failure…and his overdose.

The problem with this way of thinking is that it leaves no room for the other person’s autonomy and ability to make a choice.

In discussing this with the folks inside, we came to this point of agreement: by sharing honestly when boundaries of a relationship are being crossed, we are better able to release the guilt that can amass from another's lack of communication. Ultimately, we are responsible for firmly sharing our boundaries and intentions with others and for releasing the idea that we are in control of the outcome.

In most relationships, we seek ever greater rapport and trust.  A series of events this month got me thinking about how quickly we can rebuild trust when it’s been damaged, and its impact on the affinity felt. And how, for once, it’s actually within our control.

First, what builds trust in a relationship?  This actually has a one-sentence answer:  My trust for you grows when I am uplifted into my brilliance.  Specifically, this looks like

1. Honoring and respecting my boundaries – meaning my desires, my needs, my values, my thoughts, my words, etc. – no matter what

2. Communicating your needs, desires and boundaries clearly and wholesomely.  This gives me clear guidance and reduces possible ambiguity and subsequent assumptions (another relationship killer, right there)

3. Taking responsibility when boundaries are broken (because the more intimate the relationship, the more often this happens).  This tender communication is best done with openness, humility, remorse and transparency, moving through the points below.  It is not justification for or explanation of what happened

4. Exhibiting these behaviors towards others.  When I observe this, it increases my trust towards you

Two people, in the same timeframe, broke trust by disrespecting important boundaries; they both “lost trust points,” for lack of better verbiage. 

The difference between them came in their response.  One came back towards me and

• Recognized that he had overstepped a boundary

• Expressed understanding and remorse for the hurt created

• Shared how he intended to change his actions in the future

• Asked for forgiveness

The second person did not.

I feel the difference in openness and trust I now have for these two folks.  While the first person’s initial actions were technically more degrading and demeaning, it is reconciled and behind me, thanks to his expression of understanding and apology.  For the second, I don’t yet fully trust that he’s understood and will do his best to avoid this overstep in the future.  Therefore, it’s harder to be open.

As for the rest of us:

The more I trust, the closer in I allow a person.
The less I trust, the further away I keep a person.

Therefore, we achieve greater closeness and intimacy in a relationship by increasing the trust the other person feels towards us.  And, lucky for us, building this trustworthiness is within our control and is done through the steps above.

Enjoy building greater trust and rapport in your relationships. At home, at work, at the grocery store.

As the previous post mentioned, as our Alpha yard team planned their “Walk & Roll” Ukraine support event held of November 29th, it was essential that the yard’s support extend beyond financial, to include emotional and psychological support through letters for the people of Ukraine (of which you can read a few in the gallery below).

In our first conversations, it became apparent that several of them had a level of relatability with the plight of the people of Ukraine that we non-prison-folks can forget.  A good number of prison residents grew up and lived in drug- and gang-infested areas – which can resemble war zones.  They’ve seen their brothers shot and killed and heard their moms raped; they’ve had guns pointed at them and dodged bullets; guns have been placed in their hands as early at 6 years old.

So, they are able to understand and empathize with the people of Ukraine in a way that, arguably, most other Americans – other than military – cannot.  Yes, these are times when their daily burden of pain received and pain caused becomes a powerful source of inspiration for others.

There’s something magical in writing a letter to an unknown person, placing love and prayers into the act and the words.  (Try it and see for yourself…)

And there’s also something magical in the incredible network of connection between these prison writers and their ultimate Ukrainian readers.  Think about it:  the writer-to-reader journey of these letters is: the prison residents — our team for review of content — Donovan’s Public Information Officer — me, Mariette, coordinating the event and letter operation — the folks at the House of Ukraine (in Balboa Park) who agreed to manage the Ukrainian logistics — their volunteers to translate each of the 150 letters — the House of Ukraine staff for sorting and packaging the letters, accompanied by a cover letter describing the project — people flying to Ukraine — distribution to the people of Ukraine.

The fulfillment of this journey requires each person along the way to hold in sacredness and respect the love poured into the letters and the hearts this love is hoping to fill.

We are all connected.  Even across the world.  Even to folks we do not know and will never meet.

…And yet, our love and care reach them.  That’s magical.

Perseverance = quality most demonstrated by the Alpha yard team over the past year (in Mariette’s dictionary of terms)

When Donovan reopened last March, the Alpha yard folks returned to our circle with a new project idea: a support event for the people of Ukraine.  The war had been declared about a month earlier and it was all over the news.

Then… the event, originally planned for the end of May, was rescheduled to early August, then to October, then to November 29th.  The repeated disappointment and frustration of the team were palpable.  As the cancelations and postponements accumulated, the team took a step back to ask themselves if these meant that this event was not meant to happen.

Every time, they confirmed that they were committed to this event.  “The yard wants this.  We want this.  The people of Ukraine deserve this.”  This commitment was not coming from a place of force: striving to make it happen, attached to their original idea.  It was in alignment, with clarity found in reflection.

That clarity, alignment and perseverance bore fruit on November 29th when the team held their “Walk & Roll” Ukraine support event.  First, the event participants walked or rolled (there are many wheelchair-bound folks on Alpha) around the yard, encouraged by the band, granola bars, cookies and lemonade.  They had created support signs, saying things like “You are not alone” and “We stand with you” in Ukrainian.

The participants also raised $1000 for three selected nonprofit organizations that support the Ukrainian people on the ground!!  To put this amount into perspective, prison residents earn between $0.08 and $0.37 per hour.  Therefore, with an average pay of 16 cents/hour, their $1000 donation is three years of worth of salary!

For the team, it was essential that the yard’s support extend beyond financial, to include emotional and psychological support through letters for the Ukraine people.  It was an amazing sight: at any given time, three to five people were on their knees at the letter-writing table – or leaning over it – to write heart-felt letters to people we don’t know on the other side of the world.  Some letters were shorter; some more detailed about the writers’ own experience of overcoming.  Some in an English that is mainly phonetic; some in eloquent prose.  Some writers copied the phrased in Ukrainian the team had prepared.  All of the 150 letters contained an outpouring of love.

Now, the donations have headed to the respective nonprofits.  The letters are on their way to Ukraine.  We’ve received the pictures of the event to share.

Even as the prison gates have opened, we’ve continued our Covid-forced correspondence program between the Donovan residents and outside volunteers.  It serves the folks inside, particularly those for whom writing is easier than speaking.  It serves the volunteers responding to these letters who, for many, cannot come inside Donovan.

The other day, we received a resident’s letter.  In the bottom right corner of the large manilla enveloped were written three simple words: “Handle with care”.

Many packages carry these three words, written to ensure the contents aren’t torn, crumpled, bent or broken in any way.

I felt these three words went deeper than simply caring for the pieces of paper in the envelope.  The pages of this letter were covered with words, which communicated this person’s experiences, perceptions, interpretations, emotions, thoughts, ideas, insights and beliefs.  Can we “handle with care” these? 

It's deeper still.  These thoughts, perceptions and beliefs reveal this writer’s identity, his values, his spirit, the essence of his being – yes, his courageous journey into his brilliance.  Can we “handle with care” this depth?

Unfortunately, in their childhood and prison environments, these are most often not “handled with care.”  Their persons are dehumanized; their belongings are trampled on and broken; their emotions are shamed; their thoughts and ideas are condemned and demeaned.

(And look where that led them…)

In our exchanges with the Donovan folks, we do our best to “handle with care” each person, each moment, each interaction, each expression, each emotion…

• We hold the letters’ pages like a delicate flower blooming.

• We read its content with openness and nonjudgment.

• We hold what the words contain with reverence and respect.

• We receive the insights with celebration.

• We acknowledge that any anger or resentment is actually past hurt being retriggered.

• We remain curious and open to ideas with which we don’t agree.

• We feel the power of this person’s realness and authenticity as he reveals his innermost thoughts and perceptions.

• We reply with sacredness for the whole of their being: the light and the dark, the growth and the stagnation, the awareness and the blindness...

Like every month, I invite you to explore for yourself:

• What do you “handle with care”?

• Where can you invite yourself into deeper care of your own inner realities and person? Of others’ inner realities and persons?

It’s challenging enough to hold our kids’ and loved ones’ words with openness and nonjudgment, to honor the sacredness of their spirit.  Now, how about doing it for your colleagues?  Holding their ideas and suggestions with the same sacredness, as these are the external expressions of their brilliance and essence. And now, how about for the person who wronged you?

Oh, the journey of growth available to each of us… “Handle with care” all of yourself as you move through this journey. 

Last Tuesday, as one resident left our group early to head to his college statistics class:

The resident: “Drive safely.”

Me: “Thanks.  You walk safely.”

Another resident: “Yeah, because it’s full of criminals out there.”

 Hahaha!  What a reminder.  These prison residents indeed live surrounded by criminals.

This reality can be easy to forget when we have the conversations and explorations like the ones that fill our circles.

For example, earlier, a resident explained that, to remain safe as a young boy, he lived by the belief that “The more people like me, the less they’ll hurt me.”

Among other questions, we asked:  Which “me”? Who’s the “me” that people are to like?

We often use “me” thinking we know exactly whom we’re speaking about.  But do we really?

So, we explored who “me” is and found:

• The various “me”’s as perceived by others – Others see us with certain characteristics, influenced not just by what we project but also by their own filters

• The various “me”’s that we project – So many of us showcase a different persona in a management presentation, with our kids, at the local bar, at a networking event…

• The various “me”’s we hold as our identity – We may see ourselves as a gentle mother, a badass boss, a decent surfer, and also a sexual abuse survivor

In addition to moving instantaneously between “me”’s, most of us are not even aware of the “me” we are being at any given time. Plus, all these “me”’s shift and change with time, experiences, wounds and growth. 

So … who’s “me”?

There is one “me” that’s the “me” of all “me”’s.  And that’s our brilliance, the complete, whole, immutable “me” that is our essence, our spirit, our higher self, our light, who God perfectly made us to be, whom we were always meant to be.

While the other “me”’s are dependent on our circumstances and react to our environment, our brilliance never is and never does.  We shine our brilliance when we allow the other “me”’s to take a backseat to our brilliance’s inspiration and direction.  In this brilliance, we are authenticity, clarity, peace, joy, love and power.

And from here, you – as always – have a choice: (1) to allow the various “me”’s to rule your thoughts, words and actions or (2) to thank these various “me”’s for their service and place them under the leadership and guidance of your brilliance.

Last Tuesday at Donovan, sitting in one of our circles, I notice Richard having disconnected from the conversation and staring to a spot behind me.  His presence comes back into the circle and then, soon, he’s staring again, until he interrupts the circle conversation to ask, “What do you see in that painting?”  And that’s when I notice a Jackson Pollock-like splatter painting hanging behind me.

The rest of us look at it blankly.  To break the long silence, Richard says “I see a playground overgrown with weeds.”  Even as he shares this, the painting remains a bunch of splatters to the rest of us, despite a concerted effort to see in these splatters what Richard was seeing.  After some laughs about the painting, Richard and the rest of us, we go back to our previous conversation.

While he clearly wishes to remain present to the conversation, Richard cannot disconnect from the painting.  Ten minutes after the first interruption, Richard interrupts again to say, “Are you sure you guys do not see a playground overrun by weeds?  That’s all I can see.”

Isn’t that exactly how perception works?

To Richard, the painting was clearly a playground overrun with weeds.  No questions asked.  And it seemed insane to him that the rest of us simply couldn’t see it.  How often do we hold our perceptions as hard truths expecting that everyone see like us?

When Richard shared his perception, the rest of us paused our conversation, looked in the direction he was looking and did our best to see what he was seeing.  How often do we create the open and curious space to whole-heartedly receive the thoughts, perceptions, ideas, values and beliefs of another, especially when we simply cannot see what they’re seeing?

Once Richard had spotted his playground overrun with weeds, he cannot shake it.  And, once shown the contours of his playground, I start to see it too.  I now could see (1) the splatter I first saw, (2) the intricate highway interchange I somewhat saw when probed and (3) Richard’s playground.  How often are we able to see that one idea can be different things for different people and to hold as valid ideas which seem opposite or contradictory?

This is an inconsequential moment around a splatter painting on the wall of our meeting room. And yet, when it comes to more consequential things – like the hot-button topics of the moment: politics, abortion, mass shootings, etc. – are you able to create and hold an open and curious space for seemingly contradictory ideas and see the beliefs of another just as valid as your own?

(Painting is Jackson Pollock's Convergence, 1952)