Sawadee-ka Mariette!  Hello from Thailand again.  Where, yesterday, I had a delicious lunch at the Chiang Mai Women Correctional Institution Vocational Training Center!!!

Every morning, 35 prison residents - with varying length of sentences - and 5 prison guards travel the 10 km from the institution to a quaint, wooden house in the center of old Chiang Mai (Thailand's 2nd largest city), surrounded with tropical lusciousness.  Here, they cook and serve breakfast and lunch, as well as provide body and foot massages, as part of a rehabilitative program started by a forward-seeing prison Warden.

These prison residents' environment has no walls, no bars, no barbed wire.  Simply an opportunity to be treated with dignity while they learn a trade to exercise upon release.  As the program brochure says, "The [training] courses [...] build a foundation for good services, coupled with rigorous training.  This is the art and science of empowering those who used to think of themselves as unimportant."

This, coupled with a number of Thai massage places throughout town employing ex-prisoners, provides a sustainable journey out of prison for these women.  I celebrate this model built on similar values we exhibit in our programs:  to provide the character- and resilience-building skills needed to thrive upon release, as well as an environment in which the general public can engage with, learn from and receive services by prison residents, breaking through misconceptions and stereotypes.

Of course, my mind is wizzing with ideas I'd love to bring back to California.  There is so much potential when we let go of our idea of prison as only punitive punishment to step into a vision of prison as a space of healing, amends, learning and growth for a better future for all.  What would you wish to create that reflects this Chiang Mai experience?

I leave the last word to the program brochure again:  "They [prison residents] now have been inspired to grow past their mistakes using the given opportunities and finally make their dreams come true.  The knowledge will help them sustain themselves and their families, ultimately benefiting society in the long run."

Let's continue our work to bring this to California and the US!

Paula Shaw started coming in weekly with our team recently and was hooked at her very first visit.

Thanks Tim Marshall on Unsplash

I never cease to be amazed at how well the prison residents treat each other and allow each resident to speak his truth without judgement or criticism. They give new meaning to the words supportive, encouraging and affirming.  It’s just plain beautiful.

I remember the first time a discussion took a turn, with two differing opinions about the direction we should go as we develop the study guide to the Writing After Life book. Having facilitated a lot of therapy groups, l have seen people nearly come to physical blows over two differing strong opinions. I prepared myself to be ready to intervene if the discussion got too heated or emotional, but that preparation never needed to be implemented. What transpired awed and surprised me. 

All of the residents sat quietly and attentively as the two men expressed their feelings about why they felt their direction was the better one. As each man spoke, the other listened without protest or interruption. Each one expressed his feelings calmly and articulately while the rest of the men listened in a measured, calm fashion. There were no hurt or irritated feelings expressed. They just listened to each other with respect. I have never seen anything like it in all of my years of doing therapy. And as if that wasn’t impressive enough, when we gathered for our Closing Circle they complemented each other for expressing their truths. And then the other residents acknowledged and affirmed both of them. It was the way you dream a processing group will behave but rarely, or never, does it happen that way.

They truly are some of the brightest, kindest, most compassionate, spiritual, supportive, sensitive people that I have ever known or observed, inside prison or outside in the world.

Although they live in circumstances that most of us would find unbearable, they take college courses, study the Bible, do emotional processing groups, write, meditate, pray, exercise and a plethora other activities, to better their lives and become positive role models to others. These men, many of whom are Lifers, still find things to learn, to be grateful for and to do to help themselves and others. In addition, they are the most amazingly positive, funny, delightful beings you would ever want to encounter. I am not kidding when I say that they make Tuesday my favorite day of the week. 

The Donovan residents we work with are not typical of the prison population but they are living, shining examples of what is possible when we stop labeling and punishing people who have made bad choices; and instead offer them programs that really help them to rehabilitate, and find the true self that they were born to be, not the self that society, adversity and poor choices created.

Thank you, gentlemen, for what you teach me every week.

Thanks Sunyu on Unsplash

A few days ago, our Peace Fellowship class was split into two teams to play a negotiation game based on the prisoner’s dilemma (for those who know it).  For three and a half hours, we debated, negotiated, managed diverse needs and beliefs and stressed at each round as we waited to see what the other team had decided to do. It was super heated, intense and rough!  And at the end, we had two main learnings:

(1) Watch out for spoilers.  The professors had planted 3 spoilers in each team who did not want the two sides to come to an agreement.  They were incentivized to make both sides lose. The other team had huge difficulty managing their spoilers who almost derailed the outcome for them.

(2) Despite our belief that hawks (aggressive behavior) always wins, our team’s dove behavior (building trust for a win-win outcome) actually put us in a position of total control of the game at the end.

Explanation:  Towards the middle of the game, the other team acted like a hawk while we remained doves throughout the game.  The game was structured in such a way that it was impossible to win the game without a strategic alliance with the other team in the last two rounds. In round 9, the two sides had to let one team win first and then, in round 10, the two sides had to let the other team win.  Because we had had consistent trusting behavior and they had proven that they could not be fully trusted, we were able to demand that the other team let us win first.  (Which they did.) In the final round of the game, we had complete control and power to allow them to win with us or to have them lose.  (We allowed them to win with us.)

Trust and collaboration, even in extremely tense scenarios, creates winning outcomes.

Thanks Drew Farwell

I arrived in Bangkok a week ago and, accepted out of 1500 applicants to the Rotary Peace Fellowship, I'm here for three months.  It's a phenomenal opportunity to study peace, its theories, tools and structures with 21 fellow Fellows from 18 different countries and with an average of 20 years experience in the world's diverse conflict and peace situations.

I’m pinching myself, realizing I was almost not here to experience the magic we’re already receiving.  I was actually going to refuse this priceless offer.  And then, the exact reason I was going to say “no” became the reason I had to say “yes.”

Let me explain.  My whole life, I’ve believed what many have told me:  anything worth having cannot be easy.  I’ve been the salmon swimming upstream, believing that going with the flow was for weaklings.  And, admittedly, by many measures, I’ve been successful.

The entire Peace Fellowship discovery, application, interview and acceptance process was easeful.  One of my brilliant volunteers, Cynthia, told me about the Fellowship and I thought “sounds interesting; I’ll apply” even though I had never seen my work as peace building (how wrong I was).  I wrote the application in one sitting, it flowing from my fingertips effortlessly.  Answering the thought-provoking interview questions on human and societal transformation asked by five high-ranking Rotary leaders, I felt at ease.  I was asked to speak at a local Rotary Club and that also was full of ease.

So, when I was accepted into the Peace Fellowship, I’ll admit that I thought that this must not be worthwhile since the entire process had been so easeful.

And that’s when it hit me.  There is a fundamental difference between easy and easeful.  While worthy work requires courage and action, it is a lie to believe that it has to be difficult.  The opposite is actually true:  When we are aligned with our brilliance – our God-given unique purpose and gifts – then experiences are easeful, joyous and in harmony.

The “hard” work is in getting into and maintaining alignment with our brilliance.  As well as taking courageous action towards it.  After that, the best indicator that we’re on the right path is actually its easefulness.

The journey might not be easy, but it happens easefully.  And here is all the nuance.  And, as soon as I realized this, I realized that the easefulness of my Fellowship application process was actually the exact reason to say “YES!”

Annie in her pottery studio

I received a long text from Annie Lockee a few days after she came to Donovan prison with us. She speaks to the prison residents…

I sent a quick text to Mariette sharing that, though I had many feelings about my experience on Tuesday, I couldn't elaborate further because I needed to process. She then, in true Mariette fashion, responded by encouraging me to write a blog post! And gave me a deadline!… I said no. And guess who won? We both did.

She knew I needed to write about this.

The reason I didn’t have much to say at first wasn't due to lack of connection or feeling.  You all made an impact and when I write "you” I speak to each man individually and directly, realizing it might be demoralizing to be constantly lumped into a group, being an inmate.  We are human and want to shine as individuals, yet we rarely get a chance to, even out here in the free world. Much suffering comes from humans clawing their way to positions of power to feel recognition as individuals.

So, it was inspiring to see between all of you this warm dynamic, shared with true words and silent presence,  of a lifting up of individuals that coincided with the sacred nature of honoring the wholeness of the group.

Yes, the reason I didn't report much at first was because I had so many feelings and ideas and , at first, worries bubbling up, forcing me to think about what you might be feeling every day. And much of it was at odds with what I actually witnessed.

It was painful to imagine you feeling endlessly resigned and discouraged.  I thought about how demoralizing the truth of your situation might be when you look directly at vulnerable moments when the reality sneaks up on you. You are smart and have lots of time to think and this is hard.

But as I reflected I was also met with something else. Your individual spirits and your collective energy and how they weaved together is pure.

You are worthy of this hard work and there’s nothing more worthwhile than digging deep inside to uncover the truth in ourselves that makes us more connected.

The words I heard you speak aloud to each other were from an authentic place. Purposeful! Inspiring!

I recognized thriving where I thought I would feel only loss.

Where I thought there’d be discouraged men resigned to let life pass by, I saw boundless courage, men signing up to participate fully.

Thank you for the warm welcome and please keep up the heart-opening work.

I hope this extends inside those walls to reach more men as the tendrils and roots of this deep growth have already spread farther than you know!

I will do my part to share what I have learned from you. Our whole world is better for it.️ <3 <3 <3

Today, during our New Year's Eve celebration, we experienced the challenge of self-love and self-celebration.

I shared with our Tuesday group a new year's practice that's now my tradition.  In the last couple of days of December, I reflect on the lessons and successes of the past year.  And then, on New Year's Day, I create my vision board capturing my intentions for this upcoming year.

Considering our time constraints, I invited each team member to share one key lesson they'd learned in the past year.  One man had his eyes locked on the bottom hem of his shirt, twisting his hands in his lap.  Impossible for him to express a lesson, even the smallest one.  Impossible for him to share any celebration of himself.

If you take a second right now to do this practice for yourself, you'll realize the self-love that this reflection requires.  It takes self-awareness to recognize who we were a year ago.  It takes courage to recognize who we are today.  It takes a heap of self-love to jump over all the things we did not do, our failures and our let-downs, to acknowledge for ourselves the growth we’ve allowed to take place within ourselves.

This man was still stuck in a hole of self-loathing, unable to recognize his light, his growth and the gifts he provides to the world.  After a loving nudge, a quiet safe space held by all present and some more hand contortions, he blurted "I've been a good son" just to get out of his misery.

And from there, I invited the rest of the team to offer their perspectives on his growth, the lessons he’s exhibited and taught them, and the gifts he’s provided.  The man was showered with recognition, with the love of his fellow residents.

While he was not able to love himself enough to jump over the chasm of destructive self-talk, the team was there to build a bridge.

Just like our team, take a moment this week to reflect on how much you’ve grown this past year.  And when it’s hard to recognize your own brilliance, allow yourself to love yourself through this vulnerable process.  And then celebrate this love and your self-acknowledged brilliance!

When I first became involved with Brilliance Inside, I was a shell of a man.  I was a broken, nihilistic heroin addict who had no self-esteem and no hope for the future.  My existence was a miserable self-destructive myopia that seemed to be going nowhere.  I not only had no hope for the future, but no plans and no desire to create any.  I was content to waste away into nothing. I was completely detached from reality, from humanity, from responsibility and from myself.  I didn’t know who I was, and I had not the slightest idea of what I’d just signed up for.

The compassion, wisdom and nurturance of this organization’s members were so foreign to me that, initially, I was horrified by these people.  I didn’t know how to deal with individuals to whom love and kindness were second nature, from whom intention and competence palpably radiated.  It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.  Brilliance Inside went on to ignite change in me in ways which I find it difficult to even attempt to express.  It only took a few months of their influence to make me realize that the way I was living was unacceptable.  I had a shift in heart so intense that at the time, I didn’t understand what was happening to me.  Looking back on it now, the best way I can describe it is this:  I wanted to be a person again.

Diving headfirst even more deeply into their program has, undoubtedly, been the most rewarding experience of my life.  These people created an environment in which I felt safe enough to face the darkest depths of my past, to be open and vulnerable about things that I thought I would take to my grave.  They taught me what it means to have healthy relationships, to care about myself, to love.  They showed me that every person on the planet has brilliance inside of them just waiting to be illuminated.  They’ve helped me to heal more than I ever thought I could, to become a man who is often unrecognizable to myself and others.  But perhaps most importantly, they showed me what it means to be human.

Today, I haven’t touched heroin in 2 ½ years.  I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I’m continuing to learn and grown more every day, trusting in the fact that I am loved and that all people, regardless of who they are and what they’ve done, are worth of love as well.

Now, I’m actively participating in more rehabilitative programs than I ever have time for.  I’m setting goals and achieving them on a regular basis and working every day towards my ultimate goal of being released and having a positive impact on society.  I volunteer as a guitar player in four different bands as well as the church worship service.  I make a conscious effort to be friendly to everyone (even the people whom I don’t care for), and I frequently find myself daydreaming about all of the ways I want to change the world.  I see now that I have value, that I have a gift inside of me to bring to humanity, and the innumerable ways in which I can do that are an endless source of inspiration.

I am eternally grateful.  I wouldn’t trade my time with Brilliance Inside for anything in the world.