A heated conversation - in which tensions are high and voices raise - is not the same as a hurtful conversation - in which I or others say and do things that come from or create hurt.

As we come together with our Core Team of prison residents to organize TEDx and other events inside prison (in which prison residents are the decision makers), we have our fair share of heated conversations, debates and decisions. While there can be significant heat in our Circle, these conversations also exhibit dignity and respect in each interaction.

One specific example came about two months after our first TEDx event; we had been working together as a team for about seven months. Because our prison resident team members make the decisions pertaining to our events, we put them in front of a decision impacting future events and their involvement in these with many possible options. Team members started getting very entrenched in their version of the right answer. The conversation increased in heat and tension to the point of boiling point. I had never been in a conversation with such differing opinions, such high tension, such raised voices; it felt explosive. And even though they were defending their point of view over the others, the residents never move to tactics of blaming, criticizing, belittling, dehumanization! Everything they said came from a place of dignity and respect, of themselves, of others and of all the ideas.

By doing so, the residents felt heard and understood, even with intense tone and volume. From here, they crafted a more powerful decision that reflected a common ground of everyone’s suggestions instead of having one idea overpower the others.

This mesmerized me for two reasons

1. Mildly stated, these folks are used to things going their way. And when things don’t go their way, their answer has been violence

2. I had never experienced this type of conversation - in which there’s heat but no hurt - either inside prison or outside prison

This is why these prison residents became examples for me, inspiring me to bring this quality into my decision making, my conversations, my debates.

Invitation: Next time you’re in a disagreement or argument, can you hold space for the heat and tension of this conversation and not fall into the default behavior of reacting from hurt? Instead, can you continue to treat yourself, others and all your ideas with dignity and respect?

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

When a conversation starts to include or create hurt, it’s time to implement the steps described in the past four videos. But how do we do this when we’re fuming this anger and frustration, when everything in us is bubbling over and everyone is reacting with even more hurt and anger?

In this moment, what we most need is a break, a timeout, a pause, the space to go through the steps we talked through. In prison, as discussed in a previous video, we call a timeout and give the hurt party/ies time to dissect what what happening and to come back to balance.

At home, we call “Safety”. Yup, we have not gotten more creative than this; you feel free. As soon as we start feeling hurt in a conversation or activity, we call “Safety.” When Safety is called, our agreement is that we instantly stop what we’re saying or doing. So that we can create the space to heal the triggered hurt.

Here’s how it works for us: Our agreement was to call safety when we felt hurt. What actually ended up happening: When he felt hurt, Pete called safety. And when Pete felt Mariette felt hurt, he called safety. My calling “safety” muscle was not strong enough when I was upset. And when Pete would call safety, I sometimes wanted to rage more. How dare he interrupt me and shut me up?

But we had made an agreement and I knew it was for our good. So, I would take the time out, allowing myself to breath. And from there, I would be able to recognize, a little more calmly, what had just happened in me, what had been triggered, why I was hurting. And we’ve have a conversation about this. I’d recognize the hurt and take the time to heal it and, if relevant, Pete would consider possible shifts (if any) of the behaviors that had triggered me.

When we both felt whole and complete again with no more lingering hurt on either side, we’d go back to our previous conversation or activity. And we were able to reengage with it with calm, respect and laughter.

Since we’ve implemented this, we are calling safety less and less often because we’re not more aware of our respective hurt. And we’ve taken the time to heal the hurt each time, lessening its power and disturbance. Giving ourselves permission to take the timeout when safety is called has radically shifted how we engage with own hurt and healing, as well as with the other person whom we love.

Invitation: When a conversation or activity starts coming from hurt, call “safety” for ourselves and created the needed space to recognize the hurt and triggers, give them the care to release and heal and to come back to your conversation or activity from a place of wholeness with no linger pain. Be sure to set this agreement with your loved ones or team members prior to using this technique.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

After examining the truth behind the corollary - Healed people heal people - by looking at the ways and spaces I provide myself healing, we look at, in this forth video, how we can provide a space for others to heal.

Before jumping in, let’s realized that the corollary says “Healed people heal people.” Therefore, it starts with healing ourselves because we can give only what we have already received.

Yesterday, I told you that, when I’m hurting, I most need a hug. And from there, I’m able to heal that part of me which is hurting. Now, if this is true for me, it’s likely true for others. So, how can I provide this proverbial hug to those hurting around me?

Let’s be clear. I’m speaking of a proverbial hug. Because, while I most need a hug, this is not necessarily true for others. And I don’t recommend you start hugging all the strangers who are hurt.

When I provide to the other what their version of that “hug,” it provides the release and the rest that I felt in myself and I hope you’ve experienced for yourself. From there, the cycle of hurt and violence is reduced and ultimately, as we continue, is healed.

And yes, I have engaged with this with the prison residents. As difficult as it might have been at the beginning, I truly allowed myself to explore and identify with that part that was hurting. And then to experiment with what they need when they’re hurting. What is that proverbial hug we could provide? In prison, it’s definitely proverbial since we’re not allowed this physical contact.

I have seen - as difficult as it may be to fathom and to accept - these very hurt people who have hurt so many people become healed people who are healing countless people. From their kids, to other prison residents and correctional officers, to their communities, to our communities.

As mentioned in yesterday’s video, when I lash out at him, Pete comes over and gives me a hug. He’s recognizing the hurt that’s happening in me. Even though he likely wants to lash out in response to my anger, he puts that to the side and is able to give me a hug…which is super courageous!

He meets me where I’m at and provides me with the hug that I need so that I can release my hurt, so that it no longer hurts us. And the fact of the matter is that our engagements and our times of hurt had decreased tremendously since we’ve put this into practice.

You also can have the courage to no longer respond from anger, hurt, frustration and rage and to now respond with care , support, peacefulness and love.

Invitation: When you recognize that another person is hurting, acknowledge that they are only aching to be recognized, seen and heard and cared for… dare I say loved. So, provide the needed support to this person, and watch this transform your relationships.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Running programs in prison requires constant flexibility, adaptability and creativity.  Well, the past weeks have required an unprecedented measure of these!  

Everything into which Brilliance Inside pours its passion and commitment came to a screeching halt on March 17th, as CDCR (rightfully) closed all prisons.

Since then, we've been pivoting!

Within days of my return from Thailand, the prison reached out to a few organizations asking for resources to support the prison residents who suddenly find themselves with nothing.  No education, no programs, no self-help, no religious services, no visits, no yard, no packages.  Most things that bring meaning and direction into their lives has been stripped.

So, we're scrabbling to create completely new resources that can support the prison residents especially under these unique circumstances.  You'll find details below.

While our work with the prison residents will look different in the coming months, we are up for the challenge.  Thanks to our constant desire to heal our society's cycle of violence by expanding the brilliance in our prisons and world, nothing will hinder our commitment to these "leading experts on confinement."  We'll shift, adapt and experiment towards the innovative solutions that serve the residents, the system and our society at large.

As you also pivot and adapt in your own lives, we send you and your family much health and wellbeing.

Welcome to the third step on this journey that changed my way of seeing and living our relationships and interpersonal dynamics.

After Steps 1 and Step 2, I brought the awareness and experimentation back to myself.

As we said, I now knew that: When I lash out - my most common way of hurting others - I am hurting inside.

In this next step, I realized that what I needed most in that moment of hurting was a hug. And for me - maybe not for you - that meant a literal, physical hug.

Because, when I hurt, there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel seen, heard or acknowledged. Being hugged is the fastest way of healing that part of me that is saying that I am not valuable and don’t deserve to be seen and respected.

When I am able to give myself permission - in the moment of hurting - I give myself a real, physical hug. Feeling valued, that part of me that is hurting releases. And then, I am able to undo the behavior of hurting another. Actually, more and more often, I step into rectifying and even healing the situation.

After having proven the first lesson of “hurt people hurt people” in steps 1 and 2, this new learning “proved” (in Mariette’s self-experimentation) the validity of its corollary:

Healed people heal people.

If I want to provide rectification and healing to a situation, I first need to heal that part of me that is hurting inside.

This all takes a lot of courage. And I know you have this courage. Because if I have it, and the prison residents have it, and others around me have it, then you have it too. So embrace the courage to recognize what you need when you hurt. And then provide it to yourself!

What does it take for you to love that part of you?

Another vulnerable step after you’ve learned how to provide what you need to yourself: I told my partner that I most needed a hug when I was hurting inside. So - check this out! - when I hurt him (Yes, when I hurt him), he has the courage to come over and hug me, knowing it’s the fastest end to my hurt. As soon as he wraps his arms around me, I feel that piece of me that was raging just rest.

So this is the next step on this journey.

Invitation: When you recognize that a part of you is hurting, acknowledge that it’s only aching to be recognized, seen and heard and cared for… dare I say loved. So, provide the needed love to this part of you. And feel the whole of you release and rest.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

I told you yesterday that, after hearing the phrase “Hurt people hurt people” during a Criminals & Gangmembers Anonymous program, I wanted to test the extend of its validity. So I started experimenting on myself. And I discovered that, when I was hurting others (usually by lashing out), I was deeply hurting inside of me.

Then came this thought: If this is true for me, maybe it’s true for other people too.

So I started looking at the times that I felt hurt by others…which also happened quite regularly.

In those times, I of course felt hurt, anger and even rage raise inside me. As much as I could, I would take a step to the side from my reactions, to turn my attention to what may be happening within the other person who had hurt me. (I’ll tell you: not an easy step to take!)

It turns out: the person that had hurt me was also deeply hurting. And I even hypothesized that the hurt they were feeling was even greater than the hurt they were creating in me.

Now, if this was true in my family life, my work life, with my friends, it might be true beyond this, with folks who have hurt people in terrible ways. Yes, I went there. I spoke with the prison residents. Same goes for them! When they committed violent acts, they were deeply hurting inside too!

Now, let’s clear, this does NOT justify ANY hurtful behavior - from “simple” lashing out, all the way to murder or rape! None of these actions are excused by this statement!

But, for me, it started explaining our hurtful actions. And from here, I started to learn how I wished to respond to these situations.

Again, I’ll pause here to give you the time and the space to engage with this idea:

If it’s true that - when I’m hurting people, I feel hurt - then how true is it that, when I am being hurt by others, they are hurting?

I’ll tell you from experience that it is usually tough to step away from the hurt, anger and frustration you may be feeling in the moment. That’s OK. Simply take time later to step back into the situation and see what was going on with other person. What can you see in them that might have been hurting in them? (More guidance and hints in the video.)

Invitation: Spend the day - or however long you need - to recognize, when a person hurts you, what may be going on with them as they are hurting you. This takes a lot of self-love and empathy, so be kind to yourself as you venture into this territory.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Well, here’s a journey on which I was not expecting to embark in this season of confinement. And yet, it makes sense. It is fundamental to our interpersonal relationships, which are being tested in these confined times. So, off we go!

Today, I share with you the greatest lesson I learned in prison. It blew my mind when I first heard it. It blew my mind for its simplicity as well as my immediate realization of the extent of its truth:

Hurt people hurt people.

That is, when people hurt others, they themselves are also hurting inside.

Curious to understand its applicability to me, I started experimenting. I first paid attention to when I was hurting others and I quickly realized that my greatest form of hurt to others is to lash out.

I then turned my attention inwardly to uncover what I was feeling in those moments of hurting others. And I’ll tell you, I was hurting inside. Sometimes, I was really hurting inside.

There’s so much more to say here but, for now, I’ll give you space to experiment with this first idea.

Invitation: Spend the day - or however long you need - to identify the ways you hurt others. And then, when you catch yourself hurting others (or as quickly afterwards as you can), pay attention to how you’re feeling inside.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.